Don't get me wrong, 2010 was filled with blessings in many shapes and forms. My family, healthy children, good marriage, friendships-old and new, vacations, lazy summer days, a new family dog, lots of family time, life changing experiences, a stable church, love, laughter... many everyday things that bless our lives here immensely.
However, 2010 also brought uncertainties, doubt, fear, sadness, brokenness, humility, and heartache. In 2010 I went through a small roller coaster ride of wondering if I had breast cancer... a few short weeks worth of testing and waiting and thinking. When you think you might have a life threatening disease you let your mind go to "what will happen with my kids"? At least that is what I went to right away, just in case. This question made me really think about how I spend my time, who is spending time with my kids, how well my kids know Jesus, how I spend my time with my family, and what I am doing with my gifts right now in this season. Everything came back okay and in the end I realized I cried a few too many tears over simply being scared and let my mind get the best of me a time too many. I felt super re-leaved and not at all too young to start getting my yearly mammograms (which aren't real fun, might I add, unless you like seeing your boobs smashed into a flat pancake!) None the less, I was taught early detection is smarter then ignoring something and that even if I did get positive test results, God had a plan all along. Trusting constantly has been my year long lesson on a whole new level.
Almost 2 months later I woke up early one Monday morning to a phone call from a dear friend. Unable to understand her on the other end I finally convinced her to breathe and just whisper to me... what I heard her say rocked my world. At that moment she was in the PICU with her baby boy, on life support. My hands shake just typing this again and I am not sure I can truly put into words how this started to change my life. Getting a phone call like that suddenly puts life into perspective. Community became so important to us as we had to depend on ours to hold us up while we went to be the community around our friends. Trusting our community of friends were taking care of our children so we could be with our friends and their children. Trusting God once again had a plan. Trusting even when everything seemed to be telling us we would not see the answered payers we wanted. As I sat with and cried with and ate with and laughed with (yes, we found times to laugh!) and prayed with and questioned with and hoped with and worshiped with and feared with these friends, I felt my heart shift to a place I didn't know I had. A place where God leaves empty until you decide to let Him in. I think this place shows itself though a tragedy like this one to help you feel what is happening and meet Jesus in a whole new way. In this place you need Jesus like you never had before, yet you are a bit afraid to just hand it all over knowing what He may still choose to give you. 8 days after that Monday morning phone call I found myself cleaning out the hospital room with a sweet still baby boy laying in his bed. Goodbyes had been said, songs had been sang, prayers given, and tears shed. I felt weak and small and useless and the only thing I could think to do was get my friend out of that room and clear it out so she didn't have to return to this place. That was a defining moment for me. In that moment as I bagged clothes from the last week, cleaned cupboards out, threw fast food containers away, took down art work from cousins, and set pajamas out for this sweet baby boy, I felt like I was going through motions but wasn't actually there. It was the most surreal moment in my life. I remember thinking "this doesn't happen, babies don't die, we are too young for something like this, this can't be it." Once we were finished cleaning and collecting and organizing I walked over and said one last goodbye. I held a cold little hand and whispered one last prayer and suddenly felt the strongest desire I've ever had to be in heaven with my family. The drive home that night was sad with my husband and I couldn't help but think about our friends driving behind us, 1 less boy in the van. This could not happen to them, could it? This experience in 2010 has been life changing... not just for me, but for many. The months since this have been different, yet the same. This doesn't just go away, yet we must live our lives. Our friends have been pillars of faith and I have so much respect for what they have honorably walked through trusting and faithful. It feels good to leave 2010, yet sad for what is being left behind. Something about the new year though feels fresh and clean and renewable.
In the midst of all this we also have been trying to have another baby. This was a struggle before, so we knew we would have some time ahead of us before we most likely succeeded. 1 year of trying and 6 months of fertility meds and one hysterosalpingogram later we found out we were pregnant! I was thrilled and wasted no time getting excited! Knowing I had friends also just pregnant, I thought for sure this baby was meant to be. Sadly, just 2 weeks after learning we were pregnant I lost the baby. This was a sad time, but not near as sad as watching our friends say goodbye to their boy just a few months before. It still was sad though in a different way and with that sadness came other emotions I am not proud of. I felt annoyed with my still pregnant friends at times and jealous of teen moms and mad at my body. I felt guilt for running and thinking I needed to be in shape at the possible sake of my baby's life. I felt annoyed for spending thousands in fertility costs only to be let down. I know all the verses in the Bible that tell me about hope and God's plan and trusting and His desire for good for us, but for a little bit I curled up in a ball inside and just felt broken and weak and down. And I think that's okay, for a little while. I know God has good plans for me and I DO believe that... but for a little bit I needed to just let down after a long year of ups and downs... and you know what? It felt so good. When I started to come out from that curled up ball I could breath a little better. Like a breath of fresh air I didn't realize I needed.
So, here we are 2011. I'm so happy to be here and even though I come with some battle wounds, I am here and ready to trust God and let Him keep leading. I am breathing deeper again and fear isn't sitting on the brim of my heart like it did for so many months. I have learned God doesn't let things happen to us to paralyze us, but to energize us. I have and still am learning from the fly balls He hit to me this last year, but with some grace, love, faith, and trust I think I will catch them if I keep looking forward and trusting His plan, not mine. In this life hard things are going to happen, but I have hope in knowing that Jesus came to give us life! This is a promise, no matter what... lost lives, no money, bad health, whatever your trial is... God's son brings us hope, new life each day until the end. Happy 2011 to you all! May God bless you richly!
Love you... thanks for sharing your heart today. Praying 2011 brings you many many blessings!!
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