something I get to do

One of my favorite things in this season of life is being able to spend a little time in my son's classroom. He is only in first grade and I love the few hours I get each month to work with the kids in his class on reading or math or really anything the teacher has left for me. Part of what I love so much is just simply getting to know my son's peers. The kids he spends his days with, plays outside with, eats his lunches with, and learns so many new things with. As I sit with each child I always take the first few minutes to just talk to them. I ask about their day or comment on their cool hockey shirt or check to see that they are excited for the upcoming vacation or getting a good breakfast in the morning. Most the kids are always doing well and happy and love getting to come out in the hall for some one on one time. But, sometimes there are kids who seem a bit sad or worried or tired or unengaged. I had a lot of that today and I left the classroom today feeling so much sadness for these little lives that are tryng to be who God made them to be without a ton of help from home at times or too much distraction at home to fill these little love tanks up. Three little one's today told me about their parents not being together, 1 dad gone in the Army, and 1 very worried child that he was going to get yelled at when he got home because he lost his coat on the bus, becasue his dad likes to yell at him...he was sure of it and very worried.

One boy especially today brought tears to my eyes as he told me how much he missed his dad when he was with his mom and he really wanted to be with both his mom and dad at the very same time. He has the best smile and the sweetest dameanor and I just wanted to scoop him up and take him to that place where both his parents would be getting along and together and happy. If even for just a day.

I drove home today thinking about this little boy, William, and the other children who had hearts a bit on the heavy side today. Children of God already walking through some of this world's pain. That pain comes in different sizes and shapes for each one, but pain still the same. These are my son's peers, his friends. As they get older they will start to walk through these pains together, like friends naturally do. I felt so honored today to get to be in their world a little bit. To be able to offer a smile, a squeeze of the hand, an extra smiley face, or a very honest "hope to see you again soon, I love getting to listen to you read to me" on their way out the door.

My children will grow and make friends and start doing life with their own community of people. I am so thankful to have the time these days to start out in this world a little bit, hoping for even a window in the teen years :) These kids are important to me because they are important to my son and to God. I know the days will come when I've let my children down and I hope there is another person willing to ask them how their day is and offer them that extra pat on the back when I fail to. Today though, I felt God using me as my son's mom to just be that person for a few of his own people. My prayer is that our family can always be that for the people in our own little lives, whether we are 35 or 6 or 3 or 42. Lord knows we have had some amazing people be that for us.

Sweet little ones.... I pray you may feel both mom and dad's love even when you are apart from one, may you know how much dad misses you and thinks about you even when so far away, and may you find your warm little coat and feel a bit of grace even if you don't.

it's okay

I've been staying home for almost 7 years now as a stay home mom and wife. When I made this transition I had about a year of serious transitioning. I loved being home, but had a hard time letting go of all my outside commitments. These commitments were good things and I really enjoyed them and I had a passion for their purpose. I thought to not do them would disobey God's purpose for my life, why He created me. I thought I would feel dead inside. From those first days of becoming a stay home mom I have slowly stepped away from the lie that I need to fulfill all passions I have through a purpose outside my home. Doing those things did not make me who I was, being who God made me is what makes me who I am. And I am finding that can happen solely in my home these days. I sometimes lose sight of this. I sometimes think I need to keep one toe in something just to keep my foot in the door of some really awesome things happening around me. I sometimes feel left out and just simply get caught in another lie that I need to do the really great things around me to really be a part of the Christian community around me. So, I let things go and clear my schedule and focus on home....for awhile. And then I find myself with a teeny tiny bit of time and think I should add something. Then I just find myself in the same spot... worn out, tired, and unfocused.

You see, I have felt the very real truth that this time with these young children of mine is so short. And so temporary. And I want to finish this well like I've never finished anything else in my life. The more into this parenting role I get the more I learn how much time, dedication, and focus it takes. Some days I can't even follow through with my new discipline for my oldest because I've had so much brain activity happen for little things outside the home in just 24 hours I can't remember that I started that new discipline! And the thing is I don't DO a lot out of my home. But, it doesn't take much to distract me and Satan will throw anything my way to keep me too busy to be completely focused on raising this family right now. I get mad at myself when I let this happen, frustrated with my family for not doing more around here, and frustrated that I am not strong enough to carry all that is on my plate. This last one is another lie I am facing in my life. It's not that I am not strong enough, but God, I believe, does not want me spreading my hands across a variety of little things PLUS my home and family. Being in the home is busy enough for my heart, mind, and body!!!

Bringing up my family is my sole purpose right now, hands down. As a family we surround ourselves with some community and some things worth teaching our kids about, but at the end of the day I need to be in my home...whole heartily, body, and mind. God is here, my family is here, and I need to stay here. For now. For this season. It's really very short and also very temporary. And truthfully, I love it.

It's okay to say no mama. It's okay to feel alone in this some days. It's okay to have nothing on my "volunteer list" for a bit. I am not a bad person because I can only manage my family and home these days. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

changes

I always have a hard time writing on this blog. I thought I wouldn't. However, every time I sit down to type out some great thoughts in my head I start to doubt that what I have to say is worth sharing. Originally, I thought this blog would be a place for me to share the tid bits of wisdom I have found since becoming a wife and mom, as well as share my mistakes to learn from, and keep track of my good ideas to use for future use. Really though, I need a place I can go at the end of the day to just share what's on my heart and mind. A place to just be myself and get some of these thoughts in my head out so I can process life a bit better. I do enjoy writing and used to journal almost everyday. I no longer take the time to do that in my journal and find I like typing more. Not only that but I just like connecting with other women too. So i have decided to make this blog more like my own personal journal and you may enjoy reading about my sometimes unbalanced life or you may yawn and skip to the next blog. Either way, that's fine with me. I think this will be good for me and give me a sounding board when I need one at the end of the day. Someday my kids can have this and I hope they will know me better from reading about my life while I raised them.

So look for a little different postings in the days to come. I hope we still can connect and share like in the past and most of all I hope to find God at the end of the day as I process through whatever he throws my way.