With the new year often comes new goals for people. I've never really been a New Years Resolution person, but I do like to check my life balance this time of year. What do I spend my time doing, where do I spend money, who do I spend time with, what relationships do I nurture (or not?), what am I learning in my walk of faith, etc. It's kind of a checks and balance thing for me and to some it may sound like new years resolutions, but I find it just an appropriate time to remind myself to double check what my life looks like. I usually do this in the fall too and typically the same things roll around in my head as I continue to prioritize my life, my purpose, and my calling for right now.
This year it's been a theme of community and family. Really, since I've had kids this has been my yearly themes that I spend much time being intentional about. The last few months though, I'm feeling very pulled to be at home as often, as much, as needed. I am a stay at home mom, but that doesn't always mean you are here physically and emotionally. As my oldest has entered school I have found this takes up more brain space then I expected... to be prepared, to help him succeed, to use the few hours I get a day to train him with life skills, God skills, and fill that love tank. It changes our daily dynamic and does require some new routines that include plenty of time for the listed above. It also makes a difference in my youngest child's life as I work hard to give him the opportunities and time that he needs at his young age at home. I'm also finding I need to be present to provide ample opportunities for family dinners, family nights, Bible teaching times, family fun, book reading, down time, emotional support, and just the bond you get from simply being available for whatever arises. That doesn't even include managing the daily duties of running a household and organizing meals and life for everybody!
Along with being present to provide strong family development, I am feeling the pull to be present within our community of people we've chosen to invest time, energy, relationships, and life with. The last few years I've felt a strong calling to be a part of community...for many reasons. I strongly believe God meant for life to be done alongside others. I'm slowly learning what this really looks like for us. I think community and families go hand in hand and I am trying to figure out how to continue to mesh the two into one.
So however you see these, goals or not, this year I am planning to keep my focus on my family and building community. I'm finding to do these well, I am needing to say no to more things...for this season. Time really flies by with these young children and we have to be very real, present, and intentional with how we spend our minutes... nobody is promised tomorrow after all.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
New Year
I am breathing a big sigh of relief today. It's a new year and I didn't realize how much I was looking forward to this. 2010 was a year of many blessings, but also many trying times. I feel like I aged 10 years this last year and my world has changed in a whirlwind of events. The things that happened didn't seem like a whirlwind at the time, but I found myself exhausted and worn out about a month ago and I think it had a lot to do with the months leading up to it.
Don't get me wrong, 2010 was filled with blessings in many shapes and forms. My family, healthy children, good marriage, friendships-old and new, vacations, lazy summer days, a new family dog, lots of family time, life changing experiences, a stable church, love, laughter... many everyday things that bless our lives here immensely.
However, 2010 also brought uncertainties, doubt, fear, sadness, brokenness, humility, and heartache. In 2010 I went through a small roller coaster ride of wondering if I had breast cancer... a few short weeks worth of testing and waiting and thinking. When you think you might have a life threatening disease you let your mind go to "what will happen with my kids"? At least that is what I went to right away, just in case. This question made me really think about how I spend my time, who is spending time with my kids, how well my kids know Jesus, how I spend my time with my family, and what I am doing with my gifts right now in this season. Everything came back okay and in the end I realized I cried a few too many tears over simply being scared and let my mind get the best of me a time too many. I felt super re-leaved and not at all too young to start getting my yearly mammograms (which aren't real fun, might I add, unless you like seeing your boobs smashed into a flat pancake!) None the less, I was taught early detection is smarter then ignoring something and that even if I did get positive test results, God had a plan all along. Trusting constantly has been my year long lesson on a whole new level.
Almost 2 months later I woke up early one Monday morning to a phone call from a dear friend. Unable to understand her on the other end I finally convinced her to breathe and just whisper to me... what I heard her say rocked my world. At that moment she was in the PICU with her baby boy, on life support. My hands shake just typing this again and I am not sure I can truly put into words how this started to change my life. Getting a phone call like that suddenly puts life into perspective. Community became so important to us as we had to depend on ours to hold us up while we went to be the community around our friends. Trusting our community of friends were taking care of our children so we could be with our friends and their children. Trusting God once again had a plan. Trusting even when everything seemed to be telling us we would not see the answered payers we wanted. As I sat with and cried with and ate with and laughed with (yes, we found times to laugh!) and prayed with and questioned with and hoped with and worshiped with and feared with these friends, I felt my heart shift to a place I didn't know I had. A place where God leaves empty until you decide to let Him in. I think this place shows itself though a tragedy like this one to help you feel what is happening and meet Jesus in a whole new way. In this place you need Jesus like you never had before, yet you are a bit afraid to just hand it all over knowing what He may still choose to give you. 8 days after that Monday morning phone call I found myself cleaning out the hospital room with a sweet still baby boy laying in his bed. Goodbyes had been said, songs had been sang, prayers given, and tears shed. I felt weak and small and useless and the only thing I could think to do was get my friend out of that room and clear it out so she didn't have to return to this place. That was a defining moment for me. In that moment as I bagged clothes from the last week, cleaned cupboards out, threw fast food containers away, took down art work from cousins, and set pajamas out for this sweet baby boy, I felt like I was going through motions but wasn't actually there. It was the most surreal moment in my life. I remember thinking "this doesn't happen, babies don't die, we are too young for something like this, this can't be it." Once we were finished cleaning and collecting and organizing I walked over and said one last goodbye. I held a cold little hand and whispered one last prayer and suddenly felt the strongest desire I've ever had to be in heaven with my family. The drive home that night was sad with my husband and I couldn't help but think about our friends driving behind us, 1 less boy in the van. This could not happen to them, could it? This experience in 2010 has been life changing... not just for me, but for many. The months since this have been different, yet the same. This doesn't just go away, yet we must live our lives. Our friends have been pillars of faith and I have so much respect for what they have honorably walked through trusting and faithful. It feels good to leave 2010, yet sad for what is being left behind. Something about the new year though feels fresh and clean and renewable.
In the midst of all this we also have been trying to have another baby. This was a struggle before, so we knew we would have some time ahead of us before we most likely succeeded. 1 year of trying and 6 months of fertility meds and one hysterosalpingogram later we found out we were pregnant! I was thrilled and wasted no time getting excited! Knowing I had friends also just pregnant, I thought for sure this baby was meant to be. Sadly, just 2 weeks after learning we were pregnant I lost the baby. This was a sad time, but not near as sad as watching our friends say goodbye to their boy just a few months before. It still was sad though in a different way and with that sadness came other emotions I am not proud of. I felt annoyed with my still pregnant friends at times and jealous of teen moms and mad at my body. I felt guilt for running and thinking I needed to be in shape at the possible sake of my baby's life. I felt annoyed for spending thousands in fertility costs only to be let down. I know all the verses in the Bible that tell me about hope and God's plan and trusting and His desire for good for us, but for a little bit I curled up in a ball inside and just felt broken and weak and down. And I think that's okay, for a little while. I know God has good plans for me and I DO believe that... but for a little bit I needed to just let down after a long year of ups and downs... and you know what? It felt so good. When I started to come out from that curled up ball I could breath a little better. Like a breath of fresh air I didn't realize I needed.
So, here we are 2011. I'm so happy to be here and even though I come with some battle wounds, I am here and ready to trust God and let Him keep leading. I am breathing deeper again and fear isn't sitting on the brim of my heart like it did for so many months. I have learned God doesn't let things happen to us to paralyze us, but to energize us. I have and still am learning from the fly balls He hit to me this last year, but with some grace, love, faith, and trust I think I will catch them if I keep looking forward and trusting His plan, not mine. In this life hard things are going to happen, but I have hope in knowing that Jesus came to give us life! This is a promise, no matter what... lost lives, no money, bad health, whatever your trial is... God's son brings us hope, new life each day until the end. Happy 2011 to you all! May God bless you richly!
Don't get me wrong, 2010 was filled with blessings in many shapes and forms. My family, healthy children, good marriage, friendships-old and new, vacations, lazy summer days, a new family dog, lots of family time, life changing experiences, a stable church, love, laughter... many everyday things that bless our lives here immensely.
However, 2010 also brought uncertainties, doubt, fear, sadness, brokenness, humility, and heartache. In 2010 I went through a small roller coaster ride of wondering if I had breast cancer... a few short weeks worth of testing and waiting and thinking. When you think you might have a life threatening disease you let your mind go to "what will happen with my kids"? At least that is what I went to right away, just in case. This question made me really think about how I spend my time, who is spending time with my kids, how well my kids know Jesus, how I spend my time with my family, and what I am doing with my gifts right now in this season. Everything came back okay and in the end I realized I cried a few too many tears over simply being scared and let my mind get the best of me a time too many. I felt super re-leaved and not at all too young to start getting my yearly mammograms (which aren't real fun, might I add, unless you like seeing your boobs smashed into a flat pancake!) None the less, I was taught early detection is smarter then ignoring something and that even if I did get positive test results, God had a plan all along. Trusting constantly has been my year long lesson on a whole new level.
Almost 2 months later I woke up early one Monday morning to a phone call from a dear friend. Unable to understand her on the other end I finally convinced her to breathe and just whisper to me... what I heard her say rocked my world. At that moment she was in the PICU with her baby boy, on life support. My hands shake just typing this again and I am not sure I can truly put into words how this started to change my life. Getting a phone call like that suddenly puts life into perspective. Community became so important to us as we had to depend on ours to hold us up while we went to be the community around our friends. Trusting our community of friends were taking care of our children so we could be with our friends and their children. Trusting God once again had a plan. Trusting even when everything seemed to be telling us we would not see the answered payers we wanted. As I sat with and cried with and ate with and laughed with (yes, we found times to laugh!) and prayed with and questioned with and hoped with and worshiped with and feared with these friends, I felt my heart shift to a place I didn't know I had. A place where God leaves empty until you decide to let Him in. I think this place shows itself though a tragedy like this one to help you feel what is happening and meet Jesus in a whole new way. In this place you need Jesus like you never had before, yet you are a bit afraid to just hand it all over knowing what He may still choose to give you. 8 days after that Monday morning phone call I found myself cleaning out the hospital room with a sweet still baby boy laying in his bed. Goodbyes had been said, songs had been sang, prayers given, and tears shed. I felt weak and small and useless and the only thing I could think to do was get my friend out of that room and clear it out so she didn't have to return to this place. That was a defining moment for me. In that moment as I bagged clothes from the last week, cleaned cupboards out, threw fast food containers away, took down art work from cousins, and set pajamas out for this sweet baby boy, I felt like I was going through motions but wasn't actually there. It was the most surreal moment in my life. I remember thinking "this doesn't happen, babies don't die, we are too young for something like this, this can't be it." Once we were finished cleaning and collecting and organizing I walked over and said one last goodbye. I held a cold little hand and whispered one last prayer and suddenly felt the strongest desire I've ever had to be in heaven with my family. The drive home that night was sad with my husband and I couldn't help but think about our friends driving behind us, 1 less boy in the van. This could not happen to them, could it? This experience in 2010 has been life changing... not just for me, but for many. The months since this have been different, yet the same. This doesn't just go away, yet we must live our lives. Our friends have been pillars of faith and I have so much respect for what they have honorably walked through trusting and faithful. It feels good to leave 2010, yet sad for what is being left behind. Something about the new year though feels fresh and clean and renewable.
In the midst of all this we also have been trying to have another baby. This was a struggle before, so we knew we would have some time ahead of us before we most likely succeeded. 1 year of trying and 6 months of fertility meds and one hysterosalpingogram later we found out we were pregnant! I was thrilled and wasted no time getting excited! Knowing I had friends also just pregnant, I thought for sure this baby was meant to be. Sadly, just 2 weeks after learning we were pregnant I lost the baby. This was a sad time, but not near as sad as watching our friends say goodbye to their boy just a few months before. It still was sad though in a different way and with that sadness came other emotions I am not proud of. I felt annoyed with my still pregnant friends at times and jealous of teen moms and mad at my body. I felt guilt for running and thinking I needed to be in shape at the possible sake of my baby's life. I felt annoyed for spending thousands in fertility costs only to be let down. I know all the verses in the Bible that tell me about hope and God's plan and trusting and His desire for good for us, but for a little bit I curled up in a ball inside and just felt broken and weak and down. And I think that's okay, for a little while. I know God has good plans for me and I DO believe that... but for a little bit I needed to just let down after a long year of ups and downs... and you know what? It felt so good. When I started to come out from that curled up ball I could breath a little better. Like a breath of fresh air I didn't realize I needed.
So, here we are 2011. I'm so happy to be here and even though I come with some battle wounds, I am here and ready to trust God and let Him keep leading. I am breathing deeper again and fear isn't sitting on the brim of my heart like it did for so many months. I have learned God doesn't let things happen to us to paralyze us, but to energize us. I have and still am learning from the fly balls He hit to me this last year, but with some grace, love, faith, and trust I think I will catch them if I keep looking forward and trusting His plan, not mine. In this life hard things are going to happen, but I have hope in knowing that Jesus came to give us life! This is a promise, no matter what... lost lives, no money, bad health, whatever your trial is... God's son brings us hope, new life each day until the end. Happy 2011 to you all! May God bless you richly!
Friday, November 19, 2010
something I get to do
One of my favorite things in this season of life is being able to spend a little time in my son's classroom. He is only in first grade and I love the few hours I get each month to work with the kids in his class on reading or math or really anything the teacher has left for me. Part of what I love so much is just simply getting to know my son's peers. The kids he spends his days with, plays outside with, eats his lunches with, and learns so many new things with. As I sit with each child I always take the first few minutes to just talk to them. I ask about their day or comment on their cool hockey shirt or check to see that they are excited for the upcoming vacation or getting a good breakfast in the morning. Most the kids are always doing well and happy and love getting to come out in the hall for some one on one time. But, sometimes there are kids who seem a bit sad or worried or tired or unengaged. I had a lot of that today and I left the classroom today feeling so much sadness for these little lives that are tryng to be who God made them to be without a ton of help from home at times or too much distraction at home to fill these little love tanks up. Three little one's today told me about their parents not being together, 1 dad gone in the Army, and 1 very worried child that he was going to get yelled at when he got home because he lost his coat on the bus, becasue his dad likes to yell at him...he was sure of it and very worried.
One boy especially today brought tears to my eyes as he told me how much he missed his dad when he was with his mom and he really wanted to be with both his mom and dad at the very same time. He has the best smile and the sweetest dameanor and I just wanted to scoop him up and take him to that place where both his parents would be getting along and together and happy. If even for just a day.
I drove home today thinking about this little boy, William, and the other children who had hearts a bit on the heavy side today. Children of God already walking through some of this world's pain. That pain comes in different sizes and shapes for each one, but pain still the same. These are my son's peers, his friends. As they get older they will start to walk through these pains together, like friends naturally do. I felt so honored today to get to be in their world a little bit. To be able to offer a smile, a squeeze of the hand, an extra smiley face, or a very honest "hope to see you again soon, I love getting to listen to you read to me" on their way out the door.
My children will grow and make friends and start doing life with their own community of people. I am so thankful to have the time these days to start out in this world a little bit, hoping for even a window in the teen years :) These kids are important to me because they are important to my son and to God. I know the days will come when I've let my children down and I hope there is another person willing to ask them how their day is and offer them that extra pat on the back when I fail to. Today though, I felt God using me as my son's mom to just be that person for a few of his own people. My prayer is that our family can always be that for the people in our own little lives, whether we are 35 or 6 or 3 or 42. Lord knows we have had some amazing people be that for us.
Sweet little ones.... I pray you may feel both mom and dad's love even when you are apart from one, may you know how much dad misses you and thinks about you even when so far away, and may you find your warm little coat and feel a bit of grace even if you don't.
One boy especially today brought tears to my eyes as he told me how much he missed his dad when he was with his mom and he really wanted to be with both his mom and dad at the very same time. He has the best smile and the sweetest dameanor and I just wanted to scoop him up and take him to that place where both his parents would be getting along and together and happy. If even for just a day.
I drove home today thinking about this little boy, William, and the other children who had hearts a bit on the heavy side today. Children of God already walking through some of this world's pain. That pain comes in different sizes and shapes for each one, but pain still the same. These are my son's peers, his friends. As they get older they will start to walk through these pains together, like friends naturally do. I felt so honored today to get to be in their world a little bit. To be able to offer a smile, a squeeze of the hand, an extra smiley face, or a very honest "hope to see you again soon, I love getting to listen to you read to me" on their way out the door.
My children will grow and make friends and start doing life with their own community of people. I am so thankful to have the time these days to start out in this world a little bit, hoping for even a window in the teen years :) These kids are important to me because they are important to my son and to God. I know the days will come when I've let my children down and I hope there is another person willing to ask them how their day is and offer them that extra pat on the back when I fail to. Today though, I felt God using me as my son's mom to just be that person for a few of his own people. My prayer is that our family can always be that for the people in our own little lives, whether we are 35 or 6 or 3 or 42. Lord knows we have had some amazing people be that for us.
Sweet little ones.... I pray you may feel both mom and dad's love even when you are apart from one, may you know how much dad misses you and thinks about you even when so far away, and may you find your warm little coat and feel a bit of grace even if you don't.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
it's okay
I've been staying home for almost 7 years now as a stay home mom and wife. When I made this transition I had about a year of serious transitioning. I loved being home, but had a hard time letting go of all my outside commitments. These commitments were good things and I really enjoyed them and I had a passion for their purpose. I thought to not do them would disobey God's purpose for my life, why He created me. I thought I would feel dead inside. From those first days of becoming a stay home mom I have slowly stepped away from the lie that I need to fulfill all passions I have through a purpose outside my home. Doing those things did not make me who I was, being who God made me is what makes me who I am. And I am finding that can happen solely in my home these days. I sometimes lose sight of this. I sometimes think I need to keep one toe in something just to keep my foot in the door of some really awesome things happening around me. I sometimes feel left out and just simply get caught in another lie that I need to do the really great things around me to really be a part of the Christian community around me. So, I let things go and clear my schedule and focus on home....for awhile. And then I find myself with a teeny tiny bit of time and think I should add something. Then I just find myself in the same spot... worn out, tired, and unfocused.
You see, I have felt the very real truth that this time with these young children of mine is so short. And so temporary. And I want to finish this well like I've never finished anything else in my life. The more into this parenting role I get the more I learn how much time, dedication, and focus it takes. Some days I can't even follow through with my new discipline for my oldest because I've had so much brain activity happen for little things outside the home in just 24 hours I can't remember that I started that new discipline! And the thing is I don't DO a lot out of my home. But, it doesn't take much to distract me and Satan will throw anything my way to keep me too busy to be completely focused on raising this family right now. I get mad at myself when I let this happen, frustrated with my family for not doing more around here, and frustrated that I am not strong enough to carry all that is on my plate. This last one is another lie I am facing in my life. It's not that I am not strong enough, but God, I believe, does not want me spreading my hands across a variety of little things PLUS my home and family. Being in the home is busy enough for my heart, mind, and body!!!
Bringing up my family is my sole purpose right now, hands down. As a family we surround ourselves with some community and some things worth teaching our kids about, but at the end of the day I need to be in my home...whole heartily, body, and mind. God is here, my family is here, and I need to stay here. For now. For this season. It's really very short and also very temporary. And truthfully, I love it.
It's okay to say no mama. It's okay to feel alone in this some days. It's okay to have nothing on my "volunteer list" for a bit. I am not a bad person because I can only manage my family and home these days. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
You see, I have felt the very real truth that this time with these young children of mine is so short. And so temporary. And I want to finish this well like I've never finished anything else in my life. The more into this parenting role I get the more I learn how much time, dedication, and focus it takes. Some days I can't even follow through with my new discipline for my oldest because I've had so much brain activity happen for little things outside the home in just 24 hours I can't remember that I started that new discipline! And the thing is I don't DO a lot out of my home. But, it doesn't take much to distract me and Satan will throw anything my way to keep me too busy to be completely focused on raising this family right now. I get mad at myself when I let this happen, frustrated with my family for not doing more around here, and frustrated that I am not strong enough to carry all that is on my plate. This last one is another lie I am facing in my life. It's not that I am not strong enough, but God, I believe, does not want me spreading my hands across a variety of little things PLUS my home and family. Being in the home is busy enough for my heart, mind, and body!!!
Bringing up my family is my sole purpose right now, hands down. As a family we surround ourselves with some community and some things worth teaching our kids about, but at the end of the day I need to be in my home...whole heartily, body, and mind. God is here, my family is here, and I need to stay here. For now. For this season. It's really very short and also very temporary. And truthfully, I love it.
It's okay to say no mama. It's okay to feel alone in this some days. It's okay to have nothing on my "volunteer list" for a bit. I am not a bad person because I can only manage my family and home these days. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
Monday, November 15, 2010
changes
I always have a hard time writing on this blog. I thought I wouldn't. However, every time I sit down to type out some great thoughts in my head I start to doubt that what I have to say is worth sharing. Originally, I thought this blog would be a place for me to share the tid bits of wisdom I have found since becoming a wife and mom, as well as share my mistakes to learn from, and keep track of my good ideas to use for future use. Really though, I need a place I can go at the end of the day to just share what's on my heart and mind. A place to just be myself and get some of these thoughts in my head out so I can process life a bit better. I do enjoy writing and used to journal almost everyday. I no longer take the time to do that in my journal and find I like typing more. Not only that but I just like connecting with other women too. So i have decided to make this blog more like my own personal journal and you may enjoy reading about my sometimes unbalanced life or you may yawn and skip to the next blog. Either way, that's fine with me. I think this will be good for me and give me a sounding board when I need one at the end of the day. Someday my kids can have this and I hope they will know me better from reading about my life while I raised them.
So look for a little different postings in the days to come. I hope we still can connect and share like in the past and most of all I hope to find God at the end of the day as I process through whatever he throws my way.
So look for a little different postings in the days to come. I hope we still can connect and share like in the past and most of all I hope to find God at the end of the day as I process through whatever he throws my way.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
VOTE!
I am not going to use this post to hand out all my political views and what I think you should do on voting day. Rather, I want to simply encourage you to go and vote. As mom's I think it is our responsibility to practice this privilege we have. Our communities and our states and our nation are greatly influenced by those in office. As mom's we should carefully consider our options and what and who we want representing our voices, representing our kids. I am posting this today to give you a heads up that Election Day is TUESDAY! If you haven't yet, research some of your candidates and take your kids with you to the voting polls. What a great opportunity to show them you care about their community and to let your voice be heard through your ballot.
Monday, October 25, 2010
finger lick'in good!
If I lived in a fall type atmosphere 365 days a year I would most definitely weigh 500 pounds. I love fall food! Especially fall treats! Pumpkin anything and warm apple anything makes me drool a bit just thinking about it. Yum! This is by far the best pumpkin bar recipe I have mastered in my decade of baking. I get so happy when I pull out that first pan of pumpkin bars from the oven each fall. Mmmmm, the smell, the taste, the cream cheese frosting. Too good! For a guaranteed mouth party experience try these this fall...
Mama's Favorite Pumpkin Bars
Bars:
4 eggs beaten slightly
2 C sugar
1 can of pumpkin
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1 C oil
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
2 C flour
Mix together eggs, sugar, pumpkin, cinnamon, and oil. Add remaining ingredients. Blend well and bake in jelly roll pan at 350 for 25 minutes. Cool before frosting.
Frosting:
8 oz cream cheese
1/2 c margarine (not butter)
3 1/2 c powdered sugar
2 1/2 tsp vanilla
Cream together until smooth (no lumps) and smooth over bars.
Be sure you share this pan or you will find yourself cutting little pieces off all day until you've finished it yourself! Enjoy!
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